Viccek / Jokes

1. Mother: – Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

    Son:      – You said it was my lunch money.

2. Patient: – Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains.

    Doctor: – For heaven’s sake, pull yourself together.

3. – What is the difference between a fly and a bird?

    -A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.

4. – Why did the sparrow fly into the library?

    – It was looking for bookworms.

5. – What does a spider do when it gets angry?

    – It goes up the wall.

6. – I’ve heard a tiger won’t hurt you if you carry a violin.

    – It depends on how fast you carry it.

7.  – My dog bit my leg last night.

    – Did you put anything on it?

    – No, he liked it just as it was.

8. It called itself a three-star hotel – and two of them were shining through my            

    ceiling.

9. Dustman: – Merry Christmas, sir. I’m the one who empties your dustbin.

    Resident: – Merry Christmas to you. I’m the one who fills it.

10. Customer: – Waiter! There’s a worm on my plate.

      Waiter:     – That’s not a worm, sir. That’s your sausage.

11. Customer: – Excuse me, will my hamburger be long?

      Waiter:     – No, sir, it’ll be round.

12.Patient: – Do you extract teeth painlessly?

    Dentist: – Not always. The other day I  dislocated my wrist.

13. „ Are there bats in this cave?” – a frightened tourist asked.

      „There were, but don’t worry the snakes ate all of them.” – the tour guide

      replied.

14. Patient:       – Doctor, my wife thinks I am crazy because I like sausages.

     Psychiatrist: – Nonsense! I like sausages, too.

     Patient:        – Good, you should come and see my collection. I have got

                            hundreds of them.

15.  The amateur painter

„You say that I am the first model you have ever kissed?” the attractive woman asked.

„Yes,” the amateur artist replied.

„And how many models have you had before me?” she asked.

„Three. A bunch of grapes, a basket of oranges and a vase of flowers,” he said.